Sun
a dense cloud settles over my mind,
Is this all there is?
I used to occupy my mind
I don’t want stars, I want
I am left in the cold,
That sun which blinds me
10/25/03
shadowing weak spots of light,
shattering the bulbs that had
so aptly drawn my attention
away from the void.
Do true love, bliss, and true feeling
flee from the human psyche,
only to be captured occasionally,
only to constantly slip through
one’s grasping fingers?
with nonsense, fantasy, order…
filling myself with useless matter
in order to ignore an
overwhelming emptiness.
Now, that mass is scarce, only imagined,
and its upkeep exhausts me.
I am left with the dark world
illuminated by a few distant stars.
the sun…
I want to be absorbed by its light
and burst into flames,
be submersed in its heat.
I want my brief encounters
with this life-sustaining passion
to stretch into something greater,
something other than
the few and far between.
Why should I care to live
only for moments?
Why can’t I want to live
for an entire experience, a
blanket of happy comfort and warmth?
only to be brought inside long enough
for me to feel like I am again ready
to face the chill…
and then I am forced outside
once again. Forced outside, thus
compelling my inner being to
retreat and scream for mercy.
Cry and tear at my innards
to be set free, to be allowed
to race for the sun.
and would easily burn me, and
somehow resists my approach
again and again.
That glorious sun,
who could light me on fire.
Multiple frustrations and adding feelings of emptiness gathered after being at college for a few months... This poem is mainly just a question of, where is that something that makes me want to be alive? Mind you, not specific things (the "stars") like BMG or Ryan Adams or horses... but some general life-giving presence? Sometimes I feel so dead, so numb... and I get a feeling that there's nothing more to this world, and that I'll just have to have to deal with the brief spots of true happiness and go from there... but I hope that's not how it really is.